The ifs
by SomeKindOfMagic
Summary: She tried not to think about the "ifs", how her life could have been different only if. How if one thing had changed, and if they had met under different circumstances they could have been perfect, about how they could have lived happily ever after.
1. If

She tried not to think about the ifs. The ways that her life might be different if only one small thing was changed, about how they really could have been perfect… only if.

She tried not to think about what her life would be like if they lived somewhere else. Somewhere far away from Rosewood, where the grass grew tall, and the sounds of whispers didn't follow her everywhere. Because if they didn't live in Rosewood everything would be different. If they didn't live in Rosewood they might have met at a Sadie Hawkins dance, and he would have noticed that they had matching chin dimples and smiled a little at that and she would have asked him to dance. If they didn't live in Rosewood they would date for a couple of weeks and then she would introduce him to her family, and he to hers, and there would be no drama. Her mother would love him, and she'd be able to bond with his stepsister over their mutually intense personalities. After a couple of months they would start talking about the future, about college, and how they were going to go together. And then they would. Then after a couple of years he would propose and she would say yes and they would live happily ever after because that's how it was supposed to be for them. But they did live in Rosewood, and in Rosewood there was never a happily ever after for anyone. Why had she ever imagined that they'd be any different?

She tried not to think about what would have happened if Alison had never died. If Alison had never died she would have cut the cord with her right there and then after that night in the barn. If Alison had never died all four girls would have eventually drifted away from Alison and become who they were now… only happier. And eventually she would have realized that Alison had set him up. Eventually she would have seen that everything that Alison had ever said about him was a lie. Then she would go and apologize. She'd apologize about the mess the five of them had made, she'd apologize and he'd accept, because his life was so hard that he'd really need a friend. And she would be that friend for him. She'd listen to him about Jenna and believe him that it was never his fault. And he'd help her with her family too. He'd help her mend ties with her parents, and Melissa because he was just so good at fixing things. If Alison had never died they'd have escaped Rosewood eventually, because he'd be able to do whatever he wanted because he would have finished high school and gone to college because no one would ever call him a murderer. If Alison had never died they would have found their happily ever after somewhere far away from all the pain and suffering that seemed to forever plague their town. But Alison had died, and secrets had to be guarded, and there was no way for her to leave Rosewood to chase a fairytale ending that was just out of reach.

She tried not to think about what would be different if A hadn't targeted her. If A hadn't targeted her then they would never have been framed for murder. If A hadn't targeted her she would have eventually believed Emily that he was a good guy, and she would have hung out with the two of them as a favor to Emily. She would have realized immediately that there was nothing sinister about him, and she would have given him a chance. If A had never targeted her then they would have worked together to discover the secrets behind Alison's murder, and in the process they would have fallen in love. If A had never targeted her then they would have found a way to be happy against all odds. If A had never targeted her they would have been the first happily ever after that Rosewood had ever seen. But A had targeted her, and A had realized that she had a weakness for happily ever afters, and had gone after her one chance to have one.

But there was no use thinking of what ifs, even if they had raced through her mind at the gnarled tree and inside the police station. The important thing now was that he was safe. The important thing was that she didn't bring any more danger to him. The important thing was to not think about happily ever afters because it was obvious that she was never going to have one, not without him. Not without Toby.


	2. Gone

**A/N- So I really liked this fic, and I'm currently obsessing over Pretty Little Liars to an unhealthy degree so I decided to make this a series of one shots based around Spencer/Toby, and particularly their break up. Some will be like the first chapter and be internal monologues, and others won't be. Please review after you read, it only takes a couple of seconds but it really means a lot to me. Thanks guys!**

_"The sooner I've got some money they sooner I'm out of there... for good."_

_"Out of Rosewood?"_

_"Well that depends..."_

_"On what?"_

_"Different things."_

_"Well name three."_

_"I can only think of one right now."_

Somehow he had never imagined them breaking up. It didn't make sense that he hadn't thought about it, dwelled on the possibility, worried himself sick over it. Everything that could possibly go wrong in his life always did, so why had he thought that this should be any different? It had just seemed to him that they had almost become one entity. He wasn't just Toby anymore, and she wasn't just Spencer. They were both a part of the wonderful whole that was Spencer and Toby. Together.

"Toby! Come downstairs, Mom just called and her and Dad are going to be home soon." Jenna's voice rang through his ears like nails on a chalkboard. He couldn't believe that he still lived here with her. If it hadn't been for Spencer he would have been gone ages ago. But now, even if he and Spencer were over he couldn't bare the thought of leaving Rosewood. He had to stay here, he was part of the mystery now. For both Spencer, and Emily, and even Aria and Hannah who had accepted him on their friends judgement he had to stay to be there for them. Even if Spencer had pushed him away.

"I'll be down in a second." He sighed, and took a long look around his room. It was like a museum of his life. If someone had the time and interest they could find out almost anything they wanted to about the boy who lived in here if they dug hard enough. But who would want to? Who would possibly be interested in learning more about Toby Cavanaugh?

_"I like having you here."_

_"Because it makes a statement to your family?"_

_"No... because I like having you here."_

_"I like being here."_

She would have been interested. That's what had made him, and Spencer so special. They were truly interested in each other. He was interested in the way that she was intense and yet exceedingly vulnerable all at the same time, and she had been interested in how he seemed so dark to outsiders, but was actually so full of light. She would have paid attention not only to the Circa Survive posters on his walls, but also the fact that the windows were open to let in as much light as possible. She would have noticed that most of his bad posters were ripped because they were so old, and that there was a small journal under his bedside table from a time when he had had no one to vent to.

She had been his person to vent to. The one person that he knew he could truly rely on. At least he still had Emily. But did he? Or would she turn her back on him because of devotion to Spencer. And yet Toby knew that this was a ridiculous thought. Even if Spencer didn't want him herself she would never take away the other people that she knew were dear to him. No, the only person that she had removed from the equation was herself. And yet this was enough to make Toby want nothing more than to run as fast as his legs would carry him away from the memory, from the hurt.

But he was being melodramatic. This wasn't the first time his life had fallen apart around him and it wouldn't be the last. Because he was Toby Cavanaugh and that was what the world did to him. It gave and it took away. He was used to it. He knew how to pick himself back up after tragedy struck.

Slowly Toby forced himself off the bed. He had no desire to go downstairs and say hi to his parents. They'd just give him that look like they always did. He'd help them put the groceries away and they'd give him that look, he'd sit down for dinner and they'd give him that look. That look that said that he was the cause of all their troubles. That look that said that he had assaulted his stepsister and killed the neighbor's daughter. That look that encompassed every lie that had ever been told and him and reminded him that they believed every word.

_"But you don't have to live in a town where everyone thinks you killed her."_

_"You did."_

_"Yeah I guess I did. But I'm not proud of that."_

His relationship with Spencer had started out even rockier than his relationship with his parents. She had been convinced that he was a murderer and he he had been convinced that she was the type of girl who always got what she want. He had seen her as another Jenna, another person who would use him and abuse him. But they had both been wrong. Usually Toby was not the type to change his opinion on someone once it was set and yet Spencer had somehow been the exception to that. She was not the girl who got what she want, she was the girl who fought tooth and nail so that maybe someday she would match up to her sister. Even though in reality she was so much better already.

And she had changed her opinion of him as well. She had seen that he had a heart of gold, and he liked to think that she'd had some sort of realization after that first day on the porch that he could never have killed Alison. And then when she had been accused of killing Alison she had had no one to turn to but him and all he had wanted to do was help, to help her avoid what happened to him.

And as Toby Cavanaugh heard his parents car pull into the driveway he knew that he would keep helping her. He would keep fighting tooth and nail to be the better person. Because he had learned a thing or two from Spencer Hastings, and giving up was not one of them.


	3. Hope

**A/N- You guys, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! Thanks :)**

It had started with a glimmer of hope, hope for the future, hope for some kind of real happiness. She couldn't explain it. It was like a light had turned on inside her and suddenly she had been able to see things differently. Yes, Rosewood was a terrible place, but it wasn't forever. She would escape with him. They would escape together and they would be truly happy. Anything was possible with hope.

And that hope had grown into love, love for him, love for life. Because if they were going to escape, which they surely would, then there was no reason not to feel love. There was no reason not to care. It was wonderful, like having something solid to hold onto when everything else around her was water. She couldn't sink as long as she had love. And surely that love would never go away.

And then at some point that love had turned into dependence. It wasn't just that she needed him, he needed her as well. Because when you love somebody you can't help but give some of yourself to them. And you can't be completely independent if you're not completely whole alone. She needed him to keep her grounded and stable. He needed her to be strong and stand up for himself. And she recognized this. They couldn't be their best if they weren't together.

Hope, love and dependence. The things that people searched their whole lives for. She had found them at sixteen. And even with all the horrors happening around her she was thankful that she had those things. She was thankful that at the end of the day she had somewhere to go if she needed to smile, to laugh, to cry. She had someone to rely on no matter what. And she enjoyed being that person that he could rely on as well, enjoyed knowing that she was someone's shoulder to lean on. And for a second life was almost perfect.

It had started with a glimmer of hope...

And you know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery.


	4. Jenna

**A/N This one's a lot darker. After the Jenna/Toby scene in Monday's episode I had to do something with them. If the whole Jenna/Toby thing makes you uncomfortable don't read it. Otherwise reviews are lovely.**

He was broken. There was no doubt about it. She had broken him, from the first kiss, the first touch, the first time he had uttered the word "no" and she hadn't listened.

_"Jenna. No."_

_"What did you say?" _

_"I said no." _

_"Who do you think you are?"_

And then what had happened after that. When she had threatened him, told him that she would lie through her teeth like a snake slithers through a hole in the sand. There was no way around it. Screw her or risk losing everything. He hadn't realized at the time that screwing her would cause him to lose everything.

_"It would be so easy to convince your daddy and my mommy that you've been forcing yourself on me."_

_"Why are you doing this to me?"_

_"Because I love you Toby. And I know you love me. No matter how many times you deny it."_

_"You don't know me."_

_"I'm the only one who does know you."_

Sometimes when he remembered the first time he almost laughed. Because it was funny really, it could be the start of a joke. "A sixteen year old boy loses his virginity to his sister." And then there'd be some punch line about Tenessee and everyone would laugh. Only it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny that she had whispered in his ear that he was going to kiss her or she'd tell her mother that he had been forcing himself on her. It wasn't funny that he had stood there staring at the wall while she undid each button on his shirt slowly and deliberately. It wasn't funny that afterwards he had sat in the shower and watched his blood swirl down the drain from scrubbing himself so hard that he bled.

_"You're late."_

_"Why does it matter?"_

_"Don't talk to me like that."_

_"Just do it. Get on with it already. We both know what you want and that you're going to get it. So stop wasting my time and hurry up."_

He had gotten so complacent towards the whole thing, and yet so jaded. It was almost routine. He would come home from school, stare at his homework wishing that it would do itself, work on the motorcycle, eat dinner, and then Jenna would screw him. He remembered how he would recoil from her touch, from her voice, from her footsteps. She had so much control over him, over his every move.

_"A girl can't rape a boy."_

When those words had come out of his therapists mouth after he had finally gotten the courage to tell him the truth it had completely shattered him. There was truly no hope. No one would ever understand it. No one would ever understand that Jenna was no victim.

_"I'm here to tutor you."_

_"Why you?"_

_"Because I'm in AP French, and I volunteered."_

Just like that things had changed, time had stopped. He had literally felt the pieces of his soul coming back together, almost as if they had just been waiting to do it. Courage had swelled up in him like a balloon threatening to pop until all he fault was complete and utter bravery. He was no longer afraid. He could stand up for himself against Jenna.

And yet the scars were still there. They would never leave. There were times when he was kissing Spencer that he would flash back and it would take him a second to remind himself that he wasn't there anymore. That all of that was in the past. But he wasn't completely healed. Jenna had turned sex into something terrible, something to be avoided and so he wouldn't go there, at least not for now. He worried that it would ruin them, but Spencer seemed to understand subconciously that even though on the surface he seemed completely healed there were still cracks, still scars.

But like all scars they were fading, and every time he looked at Spencer's face they got a little bit smaller.


	5. Wren

**A/N- Ughhh last nights episode. I honestly adore Wren and I think Julian Morris is just the cutest thing ever... but not with Spencer! It broke my heart when she kissed him the next morning. Anyways...**

****She smelled like alcohol, like whiskey, and scotch, and bourbon. She smelled like a night at a drunken teenage party with cigarette smoke clinging to her clothes and the scent of tequila swirling into the air with her every breathe. It was the smell of failure.

A drunken night in a bar and then to a man's house who she had once had feelings for. Feelings that were returning? Perhaps. Or perhaps she was just looking for something to hold onto when there was nothing there.

It didn't matter really which one it was. The point was that at that moment he was there for her when everyone else had abandoned her. It didn't matter if in the back of her mind she knew, truly knew, that her heart ached for someone else because at this moment all she needed was something tangible to hold onto, something that would last after three shots and a pounding hangover, something to remind her that people in this world were good.

Because he was good, he was so good. And he was pretty. And he was British. What more could she ask for? And why then did she feel little more than a blush on her cheeks when she had kissed him the next morning? Why then had she felt complacency, simplicity, contentment but nothing more, nothing like the feelings that she had become engulfed in and familiar with with Toby? The boy who's heart she had shattered in a way so powerful that perhaps it would never be whole again.

The world is a funny place. One moment you think that you're in love with your sisters boyfriend with the lovely accent and the smoldering stare and the next moment you forget he exists when the strange boy next door says your name. And when the boy next door leaves and the other one comes back you realize for the first time that feelings aren't the same as love, that love is something deeper, something that you've lost... maybe forever.

So she smelled like alcohol and cigarettes, and those smells suddenly became associated with feelings. But she knew in the back of her mind that hardwood and musty hotels were the smells that she'd always associate with love.


	6. Back

**A/N Toby's back!**

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Take one step. Now another. Another. Don't let yourself fall. Don't let yourself slip up. _

__Her heart pounded in her ears, her footsteps barely registering over it's beating as she walked towards him. God, she had missed him. He caught sight of her. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. They stared at each other, wordless, until finally...

"You're back. Of course you're back. Here you are."

"Yeah we're back."

The word "we're" seemed to hang in the air like a rain cloud. It's plural form engulfing her. So it was true then, whatever bond that he had once had with Jenna had been rekindled in his absence. He had shut out the last three months of freedom like they meant nothing, like he had never really wanted them. And when she looked in his eyes she recognized his face not as the one who had told her that he loved her and would fight for her, but as the one who had shut out the world and created a sanctuary within himself, refusing to let anyone else in.

Toby may have been back, but _her Toby _was still missing.

* * *

><p>Two days. Two days since his return, two days since she had spoken to him, two days since she had realized how much things had changed between them. And here he was in the waiting room of a hospital <em>again.<em> He called her over to tell her that Jenna wanted to talk to her and for a second he seemed to be warring with himself but when he said nothing else she went to leave, to go talk to Jenna, to maybe get some answers.

But then his voice broke through, "Spencer."

She turned to face him, and he was still giving her that look. The look that she had grown to love. It was more hardened than she remembered it, more like how he had looked at her back at the beginning when things between them were still unspoken and there was still a cloud of doubt looming over them, constantly reminding them both of how they had once thought of each other. Yet even back then there had been something between them, something that had pulled them into that motel room, and had caused her to kiss him at the carnival despite the risks. And that something was here now, fighting for something. Whether that something was to get out or stay buried she wasn't sure, but it was something.

"Are you okay?" Three words. Three words could change the world. I love you. I trust you. I'm your tutor. But "are you okay?" they weren't words that would change the world, at least not tonight. Yet they were changing something. Something small, but something powerful.

And for one second they were them again. They were Spencer and Toby. They were allies. They were friends. They were soulmates.

And then that moment was gone.

"I think so." And maybe someday she would be.


	7. That Guy

**A/N- You guys. My life is complete. That is all.**

She didn't know why she here, didn't know why she insisted on putting herself through this kind of self flaggelation over and over again. It was stupid. And Spencer Hastings did not do stupid. And yet here she was. Again.

A bit of forced small talk, and a cold shoulder. That's what they had come to. It was funny how time can do that; destroy beauty. People get old, buildings crumble, flowers wilt, and true love turns into a girl grasping at straws to get back what she once had. Perhaps she deserved it. At the very least she understood why in his mind she would. And yet she couldn't help herself.

"Jenna found a way to forgive me. Do you think you'll ever be able to?"

Time froze. It seemed to do that a lot when they were around each other, while she constantly waited for her heart to be crushed again, and again. It was self imposed torture.

"I have work to do."

Frustration, and heartbreak swelled up inside her, competing with each other to see which would be the dominate emotion. For a second she turned away from him as heartbreak threatened to engulf her, and then suddenly frustration won out. Probably because heartbreak had used up all it's energy being an omnipresent force in her life for the past three months.

"You have every right to hate me. But you don't have to be that guy. You don't have to be the guy who won't let anybody in."

And with that she took her heart off her sleave, and left her one true love behind.

**A/N- Mwhaha that's all you're getting for now. Since we have a million year hiatus (actually only two and a half months which is fabulous) I will update with the rest of the finale at some point between now and the season three premiere. **

**Just kidding. I'll totally update tomorrow. How could I not with these two?**

**Let me know in review which you'd rather see next- this scene from Toby's point of view, or the kiss? I'm gonna do both anyways but let me know which one you're more anxious to see :D**


	8. Hatred

**A/N- So I really like this chapter. So let me know what you think mmkay? Next chapter will be their kiss of course. And after that I think I'm gonna start doing some of their older moment from season 1 and early season 2, and also writing some chapters that will fill in the blanks between the end of this season and the six months later beginning of season 3. Read and review. As always. :D**

If love was math, if it could be see and counted and added up until anyone could tell exactly how much love you had for someone his ruse would have been useless. After all, if love was something tangible, visible, logical then anyone would be able to see that the love that he had for her had not dropped down to zero because of some strange miscalculation on both their parts. He loved her just as much as ever. He would say that he loved her more, but that seemed impossible.

"Spencer." He didn't need to see her to know that it was her behind him. His other senses gave him all the information that he needed, the smell of her perfume, the way her footsteps sounded. Everything about her was familiar.

"Do you know anything?"

So she wanted to talk about the fire. He could tell that she was playing detective again, that she was coming close to something that she had never really had a grasp on before. Maybe he should say something. Let her know that help was on the way. But what if hinting her in made his whole plan fall to the floor? It was better to keep pretending really.

He supplied her with little more than one word answers, never more than a sentence. Every word was cold and calculated. He kept himself facing pointedly away from her, not because he thought it would help fool her but because he couldn't bear to see the pain that he knew was on her face.

"Jenna found a way to forgive me. Do you think you'll ever be able to?"

Moments like these were the hardest, moments when for just a second he could feel the connection between them in a way that was so tangible that he felt that if he just reached out he could touch it. And the truth was that he couldn't lie to her, not when faced with a such a direct question. It was simply impossible for him. He could barely even force himself to think the word "no", let alone speak it aloud.

So he settled for a nonanswer instead.

"I have work to do."

True.

He saw her turn away out of the corner of his eye and relief and pain spun together within his soul. Relief that for this moment he could stop lying, and pain that, once again, she would be away from him. It was a vicious mixture.

But suddenly she was speaking again, and her tone was so harsh and heartbroken that he couldn't help but look up.

"You have every right to hate me, but you don't have to be that guy. The guy who won't let anybody in."

Her words plunged into him like daggers, tearing at his soul, and brought him back to another place that the two of them had been not so long ago.

_"You sounded just like Alison back there. Jenna always said you wanted to replace her. I didn't believer her until today."_

So many harsh words had been exchanged between them in the past few months. But he knew now that they were words that neither of them had fully understood at the time. They were coming from a place of frustration, a place of confusion, and a place of hatred. But in a twisted way they were also coming form a place of love.

Because when you love somebody and you lose them the easiest thing to do is to go to that place, that place where everything about the person who you love just seems terrible. Because then you can convince yourself that it was wrong to love them to begin with.

He had tried to do it.

And now she was.

As he heard her car door slam, and he angrily through a piece of wood into the pile he heard his phone ring. As he looked at the caller ID a sense of relief engulfed his whole being, and he was reminded of the truth about him, and Spencer.

Right now she didn't understood what was going on.

But she would.

And when she did everything would be fine.

Everything would be perfect.


	9. Space

**A/N- The kiss chapter guys :) Read and review. Like you always do.**

"Our friend?"

It was only a second after the words came out of her mouth that she saw him, leaning against the truck. And smiling. Her feet seemed to move towards him as though pulled by some magnetic force that she would never completely understand.

As she moved towards him nothing else mattered. It didn't matter that Mona was A. It didn't matter that her sister might have killed Alison. It didn't matter that after all this time her life might finally be normal again. All that mattered was that Toby Cavanaugh was standing in front of her, and that he was smiling.

Their footsteps stopped at the same time as their heartbeats. And for a second the world was completely still.

"Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I've ever done."

His words hit her like an iceberg, and for a second she could feel everything. Every split in her soul. Every tear in her past. Every crack in her heart. It was a surge of pain like she had never felt before; a combination of longing, of questions, of hatred, of jealous, of anger, of _hope. _

She wanted to slap him, to make him feel the pain that she was feeling at that moment. But as she went to do just that her hand collided not with his face, but with his hand as he held her at bay. And for a second they stayed like that. Standing on the edge. So close. But not yet there. For a second the words unspoken between them seemed to matter. For a second every hateful look, and word seemed to resonated in the small space between them, creating a barrier that seemed impossible to pass.

And then that space was gone.

And with it everything else seemed to disappear. Everything but them. Everything but Spencer and Toby. Everything but a boy and a girl who had forgotten what love felt like.

And then he kissed her.

And she remembered.


	10. Ivy

**A/N- So I think that what I'm going to do is alternate between chapters filling in the time gap between season 2 and 3 and chapters going back to older scene. What do ya'll think? Let me know!**

****She couldn't help but think that they were like ivy, not the poisonous kind, but the kind that grew on old buildings and cascaded down brick walls until you could no longer see the brick because it was so covered with ivy. She had always thought that there was something beautiful about ivy, but at the same time there was something intimidating about the way that it engulfed everything around it.

But in a lot of ways that's what they were. Their relationship was frightening, the way that it covered her heart. She had never felt so much before, and never felt compelled to. Sometimes she tried to shake it off a little bit, get her heart back to the lonely, but rational, place that it had been in before him. But he always seemed to latch back on. It was the scariest thing in the world.

But it was also beautiful. It was so beautiful that at times when she was lying in her bed pondering her life she wondered how exactly she had ever lived without it.

She tried not to think back to their past a lot. It was so jumbled and distraut now that it was painful to even think of the good things because they eventually lead to the bad ones. She tried to focus on their present, and how perfect it all was, but sometimes her mind couldn't help but wander back...

It had all started with a vine, trickling down her heart when she saw him crying in the alley that one day. It was so small that she had barelly even noticed that it was there, but it was the start of something that would grow to be the biggest think in her world.

And then things had really happened. They talked on his porch, they kissed in front of the hotel, she realized for the first time in her life that she had somebody that she could trust with her whole heart. That she could love.

Somebody that she could love so much that she would pawn her sisters wedding ring just to make him happy. Someone that she could love so much that she would willingly break both of their hearts if it meant that he would be safe. Because her heart was completely covered in ivy, completely covered in love.

And what she had never realized, but now seemed so obvious, was that that ivy had never gone away. It had never left her. Even at her weakest moments when all she wanted to do was march over to the Cavanaugh house and scream in his face about "how could he take back Jenna" or "why won't you just listen?" Even in hte moments when she wanted nothing more than to shout, and scream, and punch, and kick until she was red in the face and couldn't breathe and had nothing else to lose everything she did, said, or thought regarding him was influenced by love. By the ivy covering her heart.

And now, with him back in her arms she was learning for the first time that maybe she shouldn't take a weedwacker and cut the ivy down. Maybe she shouldn't miss the brick heart that she had once known, but rather relish in the beauty brought about by ivy.


	11. Alleys

**A/N- Hey guys, so I just got an account over at fanfiction's sister site fictionpress. Basically it's for original stories. It would really mean a lot to me if you guys could check out my stories over there, here's a link to one of them /s/3012215/1/ Fanfiction doesn't allow links so just add fictionpress and .com to the beginning of that and you'll get my story. And as always read and review :)**

She tossed and turned that night, not that she didn't already toss and turn every night. What with Ian living just outside her window and the ghosts of her past flitting through her mind. But she tossed and turned more that night, her dreams not tainted with the ghosts of her distant past or her threatening new relative, but rather with a guilt that plagued her mind.

She had never seen someone break down like that. Right there. In the middle of an alley. She had never imagined that someone could let their feelings just explode like he had, not when she worked so hard to always keep hers tucked deep inside. But he had let it out, just like that. And she knew why, it was because he couldn't contain it any longer. He couldn't hold in the pain that he was feeling.

Pain that she had caused.

_The devil has a name and it's Toby._

Sometimes it's hard to understand what's really going on. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the subjectiveness that you live in and force yourself to see the world in a different way. In a way where black and whites don't really exist. They're just an illusion caused by lots of shades of grey. And why you look at someone one way they may look as black as night, but when you look at them in a couple different direction they're suddenly as white as snow.

Because he didn't kill her. And she knew it. And as much as she wanted to tuck that knowledge into the back of her mind and just allow herself to continue to think that she was right all along, and that everything could go back to normal she couldn't. Because the truth was persistent, and as much as she wanted to pretend she wanted reality even more.

And the reality was that there was something innocent about Toby Cavanaugh. There was something pure in a boy who broke down in the middle of an alley just because two kids had turned the other way from him.

Just like there was something innocent about a girl who was just searching for answers, and sometimes felt very alone in that search.

There was something innocent in that moment. That moment between fear and acceptance, between confusion and understanding, between hate and love. There was something pure in that moment between two kids who cared nothing for each other and two kids in love.

She just didn't know it yet.


	12. Falling Slowly

**A/N So this is a chapter is a bit different because it's actually going to be based on a Wren/Spencer moment. Specifically the moment between them in the hospital in 2x23, but it's really based on their whole story. Obviously that moment is pretty relevant to the Spoby story though so it all comes full circle. It's based on the song Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova which I would recommed listening to while you read this. Or any time. Because it's great. **

**Also, I really like this chapter, like a lot. So lots of reviews would just be the best. So yeah... Enjoy!**

_I don't know you but I want you all the more for that._

She could remember the first time they met. The way his eyes had flashed between her and Melissa. The way he had introduced himself as if he really wanted to know her. The way that he seemed to actually show concern for her feelings.

She hadn't known him at all at that moment, but something had pulled her towards him. Something mysterious. Something forbidden. Something kind.

But in a second that something had flown away.

_Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react_

When he had kissed her, that first time, she had been gone. Looking back the memory was a blur as if she had blacked it out of her mind. The kiss itself was completely gone. All she could remember were her words.

"We can't. It's not- It's not right."

_And games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out._

And so he had left, left to be what he was meant to be. A passing moment in her life. Another battle in the war between her and her sister. A game that in some ways she was ashamed that she had played and in others she held very dearly.

But the truth was that he was never meant to be more than that. A passing ship. So when he had come back, after all those months, things hadn't been the same.

_Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time._

Because her heart had belonged to someone else at that point. Someone incredibly different than her sister's fiance, but just as forbidden. And in that moment, after she had asked him for help and he had given it to her she still couldn't bring herself to allow herself to go there. To betray the perfect thing that she had.

It had been the first time that she had not questioned her own judgement.

_Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice. You've made it known._

And so she hadn't chosen him. She would never be able to articulate why. Her reasons for not betraying the carpenter for the doctor were beyond the scope of words, beyond the scope of feelings even. It had been something very deep inside of her, something that she was barely aware of that had given her the strength to say no. An subconcious choice.

Because true love was often subconcious.

_Falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back_

But if she tried to articulate it the best that she could say was that she couldn't go back. The unfamiliarity of Wren was gone now, replaced by the familiarity of Toby. Replaced by someone who knew her mind, heart, and soul.

And not just someone who thought he could understand.

_The moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black._

But things had changed, as they always did with her. But this time it wasn't her own personal demons which turned her destructive, but an outside force. And then another outside force, and another. A, her father, Melissa. It all added up inside her. And then Toby had left, and Aria had lied. And she was facing her own personal demons once again.

And when she faced those demons she tended to revert back to her old self.

Her old self who had looked into those unfamiliar eyes with admiration and trust.

Her old self who was willing to betray those closest for a moment of comfort.

And she had made a mistake.

_And you have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won._

"Do you want to agree that certain things between us never happened?"

After everything terrible that had happened it was this question that made her lift her head. It was this question that made her realize the scope of everything, of what she'd done, of what she hadn't done, and of the situation that she was in. But it was also the question that made her realize that sometimes there were people in your life who were there for a reason, and when that reason passed it was time to let go. But that didn't mean that you forgot about what they had given you.

It was the first moment in a long time that she had been able to think with clarity. That she had finally seen that maybe, just maybe, somewhere down the line she would be able to both atone for her mistakes, and allow others to atone for the mistakes that had affect her.

"No. I wouldn't take any of it back."

_Take this sinking boat, and turn it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you've made it known._

She could not blame Toby for hating her, but she also couldn't blame herself for making him hate her. Because she was not the same girl that she had been when she had first met Wren, and the two people who had changed her were in the same hospital.

Wren, who had made her feel like she had worth.

Toby, who had connected with the very center of her soul.

But there was only room for one of them. And at that moment it was crystal clear which one she needed, which one she wanted, which one she loved.

_Falling slowly, sing your melody. I will sing along. I paid the cost too late. Now you're gone._

She loved the one who, at this moment, was heartbroken by her lies. Who might never come back.

The carpenter.


	13. Habits

**A/N- So if the urge so strikes you to read something darker then I definitely recommend checking out my other Toby centric fanfic Inside the Darkness because this chapter if pure fluff guys. Reviews please?**

It was amazing how easy it was for them to fall back into their old rhythm. To fall back into love. Although they had never truly fallen out of it.

There he was, just like always, leaning against her back door, his genuine smile seeping into her very soul.

"What are you doing here?" She laughed and set her laptop down on the table, reciprocating his smile. Because how could she not? "I thought you were working."

"I finished early."

"And came here?"

"Where else would I be?" He laughed.

And so a few minutes later she was sliding into the passenger seat of his truck. The truck that every time she got in since they had gotten back together she made sure to appreciate. She sucked in the smell, and rubbed her fingertips against eh vinyl seats. It was old. It was stubborn. It was broken down. It was perfect. It was theirs.

"Let's go somewhere we've never been together before."

And so they did. She grinned as he pulled into the parking lot of a beach that she hadn't been to since she was a child. And he smiled back, and everything felt right, and pretty, and perfect.

A few minutes later their hands were interlaced as they walked down the shore of the beach, kicking rocks, and getting their feet wet in the surf, talking about nothing.

They had been doing that a lot more lately, talking about nothing. And she was thankful. Where before their conversations had often revolved around the mysterious happenings that to Toby had simply seemed to plague the two of them, but Spencer knew were vicious attacks, they now had the opportunity to get to talk about the future, and life, and their pasts, and their presents, and if they urge so struck them they might even talk about something so inconsequential as the weather. Although the urge did not often strike them to do so.

Of course they still spoke about theories, about Alli, about if it was really Garrett. But without the constant threat of A the world seemed somehow less intense, less urgent. Spencer was still determined to find out the truth about her friends death, but it didn't need to happen right this second.

For a minute she could enjoy life.

For a minute she could hold hands with a boy she loved, and not think about whether either of them would live to see tomorrow.

For a minute she could be happy.


	14. Hold Me

**A/N- So long time no update. But I was randomly in a PLL mood so there ya go :) Reviews as always are more than welcome. This particular chapter takes place between 2x12 and 2x14, closer to 2x14 because we all know how much I like writing the angsty stuff.  
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_"You stopped picking up your phone."_

Toby Cavanaugh was not a fool. He was a lot of things, he was introverted, he was confused, he was a dropout, he was hopeless, and perhaps he was just a little naive, but he was not a fool.

So when the call went to voicemail after only two rings instead of the usual four he knew. He knew without a sliver of doubt in his mind that on the other end of that phone call was a girl who had looked down at her cell, seen it was him on the caller I.D, bit her bottom lip for a second as she often did when she was thing, and then hit the "end call" button. Before he had even gotten to say one word.

And he knew that she knew that he knew. Because they both knew that Toby Cavanaugh was not a fool.

He wondered if it had hurt her to do it, hurt her to pull the plug on the last lifeline that had held them precariously to their always doomed, often dangerous, sometimes hopeless, but never anything less than perfect relationship. Their phone calls had been the last thing holding them together, and while he had known deep in his heart that someday she would end them just as she had with everything else they had shared he had held hope, because perhaps he was more than just a little naive, that she wouldn't have the heart.

_Clank_

He spun around at the sound of something unmistakably ricocheting off his bedroom window, and slowly, slowly, crept over to it. Peering down he saw her, arms crossed, smileless, and looking slightly to the left as though she could not bear to look directly at him. But there.

He rushed down the stairs and wrenched open the front door. And there she was. The first time he had seen her in the flesh in a week, and he couldn't help but smile.

"Don't." One word, spoken with harshness and authority, but without certainty. Because her voice wavered, just a little, no one else would have noticed.

"Don't what?"

"Smile. Just. Just don't." She wasn't crying, but he noticed that just under her eyes, barely visible, pooled a sea. A sea that only she could tame. Anyone without her iron willpower would have been bawling without control. "I'm not here to offer an explanation, and I'm not here because we're going to run into each others arms, and live happily ever after. I'm here to tell you to stop calling."

His face drooped, and any hope that he had felt a second before was washed away as he realized that this was not a visit because she cared. It was a visit because she knew that the only way that she would listen was if he saw her say it, saw her lips form the words, because hearing wasn't enough for him.

"And..." She paused, as if warring with herself, "I need to ask you a favor. Just one. I promise it's the last."

And he formed the words instinctively, and in spite of himself, "Anything." And he knew in that moment that that would always be his answer when it came to her. Anything. No matter how many times she cursed him, no matter how many times she broke his heart that he had thought could be broken no more, he would always give her anything.

"Just... hold me." And that was when the sea spilled over, and she was crying. And then she was on the ground, on her knees gasping for breathe, just as she had by the tree when she had first broken up with him.

And without knowing how he had gotten there he was next to her, and his arms were wrapped around her and she was clinging to his shirt. And he was crying to, quietly. For where she was a sea, he was river.

And they sat there for a lifetime. A lifetime of pain, but also of strange comfort. A comfort that could only come from holding someone who was your honest-to-god soul mate. A comfort that came even knowing that she had meant it when she had told him not to call. Because it was a force stronger than even her iron will, and his wistless naivety. It was a force that had pulled them together a hundred years ago, and would, although they didn't know it yet, pull them back together one hundred years from now.

And when the dark came, and she finally pulled away, and he called after her "I love you." and she answered "Be safe.". Just like they had ended every phone conversation since she had first broken his heart it was a force that lingered, and gave him the courage to keep calling even though she never picked up.

Because only a fool would believe that Spencer Hastings had truly given up on love. And Toby Cavanaugh was not a fool.


	15. Maps

**A/N- So it has been a very, very, VERY long time since I've last updated. I don't really know if anyone is still interested in this story but I'm on break from college and I am painfully bored and in the mood to write. This is based on an the episode where Spencer finds out Toby's A and I'll probs try and update for her whole mental breakdown and then the lovely finale of course. So yeah. Reviews make me melt like butter. Enjoy!**

She had learned how to read a map when she was seven years old. She was staring at a guidebook for Disneyland at the library, studying the different rides and places that she wanted to go when her mother had crouched down beside her.

"Can we go someday?" She'd asked her mother, voice squeaky with anticipation.

"I don't think so sweetie," her mother had sighed. "There's always work to be done you know. But, do you know what you're looking at?"

"It's a map."

"Good girl. You know how to read it?"

"Do I need to?"

"Well maps can be very useful. You can use them for many things, planning travels and trips and finding yourself when you're lost. But you know what the most important thing you can use maps for?"

"What?"

"Planning your life."

And she had. In eighth grade she had laid a large sheet of paper out on her bedroom floor and mapped out her hole life. Take a left at the fork in the road that leads to U Penn, and then veer sharply right to John Hopkins medical school, stay on that road for ten years before settling down with your parent-approved husband, 2.5 kids, and successful job as a surgeon. Bypass love at all points. That was the stuff of fairytales.

But she had messed up. Because one day she had kissed a boy, a boy with gleaming eyes and a smile so timid it made her blush. A boy who would take her off the map in more ways than she could every imagine.

Love. It had always been a pretty word to her. A word that existed but flitted outside of the confines of her meticulously mapped out life. There was no room for love. It was too hard.

But she was wrong. Falling in love was easy. It was not the stuff that she'd read about in fairytales where it touched every aspect of her life, where it overtook her and made it impossible to focus on anything else. It was just there. Constantly. Not always visible, and not always the most important part of her life but always there. In many ways a comfort and in many ways a curse. And although it did not overtake her, it did become a part of her. And if that part died she imagined that she might too.

But she didn't die. Staring at him from across her kitchen with his black hood covering his face and his key in her hand it was clear that she was very, very alive.

Once upon a time, in another road she hadn't mapped out, she had tried to slap him once before. But he had grabbed her and kissed her and in that moment everything had been perfect. This wasn't that moment. And as her hand collided with his face he didn't try to stop her or kiss her. He accepted it, like he knew he deserved it.

She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she looked at him. How many more beats until it would stop beating for him? Perhaps that's why she was still alive. She still loved him. No matter how much she looked at him, no matter how fast the truth sunk in, that stayed the same. Even if every other fiber of her being was irreversibly changed.

So she'd cry for him, first to her mom and then to his locked door. And still that one thing would hold on. And she'd slowly realize in the end that the love that she'd thought was keeping her alive, would be the very thing that would kill her. And that most certainly was not on any map.


End file.
